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Ask Dr. Gayle Kimball column #2

October Column

Q: Sometimes I feel fuzzy-brained, uncoordinated, spacey. Solutions?

A: When our energy field gets scrambled, it gets “homolateral.” To get properly aligned in a bilateral spiral, drink water and do exercises that cross the midline of the body, like touching opposite elbow to knee in a “cross-crawl.” Imagine looking at a horizontal figure eight with your eyes, as well as deep breathing from your diaphragm. Also, tap under the collarbones, on your thymus, and on the spleen meridian on the edge of the ribs. See a graphic of where to tap www.tapintoheaven.com/2stuff/stufboost.shtml or Donna Eden’s book Energy Medicine.

Q: I’m in 5th grade. My parents are getting a divorce. I feel weird and don’t know what to do.

A: If you sink down to their unhappiness, you don’t help them. Your job is to do well in school and your other activities and be a kid who has fun. You did not cause their problems. You can’t solve their problems. They can get help from a trained counselor, which you are not. Do not listen to any criticism of the other parent. I interviewed a lot of kids and counselors for my book Kids’ Advice to Kids: How to Survive Your Parents’ Divorce. They agreed the worst thing parents can do is involve kids in their conflicts. Kids do fine after divorce if they have loving support from both parents.

Q: I just started a new job in a new city. It’s really stressful. How can I feel relief?

A: Do 4-8 breathing throughout the day to relax: breath in for the count of 8, hold 8, exhale through the mouth like blowing a feather up for 8, and then don’t inhale for as long as comfortable. Author Gay Hendricks reports the latter resets your energy field. Also remember gratitude and love are the strongest emotions, so when you wake up say something like, “I’m in loving gratitude that I have a job in my field, that I’m earning money, and that I’m learning so much.” Readers can email me for my handout on how to cope with stress.

Q: I ended a five-year-love affair that needed to end, but after a month I’m still experiencing waves of debilitating pain. What can I do?

A: Congratulations for being strong enough to take a stand to end an unhealthy relationship. It feels like a death. Dr. Kubler-Ross is well known for identifying the stages of healing grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Know that you will progress through these stages and heal the separation wound over time.

Lovers weave energetic attachments, like cords. It hurts to dissolve them. Use this visualization to help: Imagine taking the loose ends of the cords and plugging them into an old-fashioned switchboard. If you’ve seen Lilly Tomlin’s Ernestine the Operator skit, you could include her in your image, smiling and hooking your cords up with love. If you have repetitive thoughts about your ex, imagine taking out the tape about your past and replacing it with a new one about your fulfilling future.

As Carl Jung pointed out, relationships are our best teachers, brining our unconscious issues up to the surface to be resolved. Identify the lessons you’ve learned from your ex. When you’re feeling down, get an assist back up from a friend or therapist. Stay active, doing things you like, and regular exercise. I made a flower essence blend for “Healing Grief.”

Q: I try hard to be a good father and husband, but I’m afraid I’m going to snap because I feel pulled so thin by all my responsibilities.

A: Probably every employed parent feels over-extended. It may be you’re putting pressure on yourself to be a better father than your own dad, which creates strain in itself. Also, good dads are not supposed to complain so it’s easy to “gunnysack,” where you don’t express your own feelings and needs. Then, when you finally explode over a long series of irritations no one understands why you’re upset over one small thing. Keep current in letting people know what you’d like; your family loves and wants to please you, but don’t expect them to be mind readers. It’s important for you to take time to nurture yourself—play a sport with the guys, take a walk in the park by yourself, get a massage. You and your wife also must schedule in fun time to renew the couple bond that erodes under the strain of daily hassles.

Q: My husband will help other people, but not me when I ask him to do things around the house. Although I have small children, he feels put upon when he cooks dinner.

A: You’re acting like competitors and enemies rather than partners. Often men project their controlling mother issues on their wives, as women project their father issues on husbands. He’s trying to assert himself as a leader; when you get angry, he resists more, and you get angrier. I bet you’re not making time for weekly date nights so you can renew your romantic bond as peers rather than parent/child. Taking good care of young kids is a fulltime job in itself and should be recognized as such. It always helps to negotiate family chores with a written list of who does what, that everyone agrees is a fair distribution of labor. Include the kids on the list too. Give a lot of positive appreciation to reinforce good behavior.

Q: My daughter is three and screams whenever she is impatient, which is often. Ideas? It’s hard to live with.

A: Ask her, “Are you a baby?” “No.” “Why are you screaming? Only babies scream. It hurts people’s ears. Use your big girl words.” Of course, don’t do what she wants when she screams, even in a public place, so you don’t teach her that screaming gets her what she wants. Take time to let her vent in a positive way, like singing loudly with songs she likes and dancing and stomping to music.

Q: I’m 11 and have ADHD. Ideas to help me concentrate in school?

A: Dr. Andrew Weil says to take lots of omega 3 fish oil and don’t eat sugar. I see your energy as spiky, like sunspots popping out from the sun. When you need to concentrate, take your hands and imagine gathering up the energy in one ball. Put that in your hands to write or read. Wiggle your legs and hands under your desk, maybe with a soft ball you can squeeze, being careful not to make noise tapping your feet on the floor. Also be careful not to take on other people’s problems; create a strong energy bubble around your body. Your parents might want to read books by a doctor who has ADD: Superparenting for ADD: An Innovative Approach to Raising Your Distracted Child by Edward Hallowell M.D. and Peter Jensen (2008).

Q: When someone I know is suffering, I take on his or her pain and life is not enjoyable. Anything I can do without becoming numb?

A: You don’t help anyone if you descend down to her or his misery in sympathy. Stay up in compassion and good wishes so the sufferer can lift up to match your positive intention. Is there any action you can take to assist? If not, visualize the person surrounded in a halo of protective healing light. Also surround yourself in a bubble of protection, surrounded by something that absorbs other people’s pain like catchers’ mitts or satellite dishes. Take time for walks in nature where it’s easy to ground yourself and connect to the strength of Mother Earth.

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