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Sept. 2014 advice column

Sept 2014 Lotus Guide column

Q: I haven’t had great success in selecting boyfriends. Suggestions?

A: We pick the familiar in terms of our childhood experiences with our own caregivers, so work with a therapist to identify your patterns. When you find yourself attracted to the old type, be very mindful and cautious. Men who have controlling dominating mothers tend to be withholding because of their fear of losing their masculinity, unless they’re open to working on their fears. Guys whose mothers expected them to share in family work and do their own laundry make good partners. Gorgeous men can get spoiled and expect their partners to do all the relationship work. You can also compare your natal astrology charts to see where connections tend to be easy or challenging. http://www.alwaysastrology.com/learn-astrology.html

http://alabe.com/freechart/

 

Q: A good friend of mine died suddenly. How can I grieve effectively?

A: You can still communicate with her. Rituals are helpful in life transitions, so you might want to get together with friends and create a simple goodbye and calibration of his or her life. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is the expert on death and grief. She says, “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”

 

Q: I’m having procrastination problems big time. How can I get myself to take action?

A: Start with behavior modification: Give yourself rewards for taking action. Put one task that needs to be done on an index card with the steps to achieve it written on the back. Sort the cards by high priority and just focus on the high priority task so you don’t feel overwhelmed. Establish a routine where you allocate say an hour a day to work on the number one task. You’ll get more energy once you cross an item off your list. You can adopt the successful model of 12-step programs for addicts and find a buddy who can support you, check on you, and encourage you to get past the feeling of powerlessness. Also, talk to your inner child subpersonality who may be sabotaging your success. Imagine that you are having a conversation with an encouraging fairy godmother. What would she say to the recalcitrant child in you? Here’s a useful article on procrastination.

http://www.chopra.com/ccl/how-to-stop-procrastinating?utm_campaign=FIRST%20LOOK&utm_source=2015%20First%20Look%20Launch&utm_medium=email

 

Q: How do I save money?

A: First, keep track of every expenditure for a month. See what you can cut out, such as making coffee or tea at home and bringing it with you in a thermos. But household cleaning items like vinegar at a dollar store and recycled clothes at second hand shops that fund charities. If you have a yard have a few hens to eat your leftovers and fertilize your garden (Rhode Island Reds are steady egg producers) or join a community garden. Bike instead of drive. With the money you save give to your favorite causes and if you itemize your taxes, deduct your donations.

 

Q: My adult children are upset that I asked their drunk father to move out. They have drinking problems too.

A: Sometimes tough love is in order. Attend Al-Anon so you have support to continue doing the right thing by not enabling addiction. You have no obligation to spend time with addicts.

 

Q: I’m in love with my toddler’ mother but we can’t live together. She’s always creating drama, too often screaming and hitting me in front of our daughter. I want to be her rock but I want to get on with my life. I’m feeling like I should run away to an “unknown” place, far away, drink drinks, sleep under the stars on the beach and just forget the reality. Sometimes it can be the small things in life that makes the whole cup to overflows. Some days, life just sucks so bad.

A: Read about borderline personality disorder, then read about co-dependency to realize you probably can’t rescue such a neurotic person. For the sake of your daughter, I wouldn’t spend time with her mom. Make sure your daughter is in high quality childcare so she has structure and is observed by experts. If you feel like your ex is abusing your daughter, then you need to report it to child protective services.

 

Q: It’s difficult for me to be assertive, to speak my own truth. How can I get more brave?

A: Imagine matching the energy of an outspoken person such as Angelina Jolie. See some of her action movies to get the feeling of being powerful. Ground and center (see gaylekimball.info), and visualize speaking to people through a filter that clarifies and enhances your message. Start practicing with small conflicts or misunderstandings and you’ll improve.

 

Q: I don’t have any hope for my future, no girlfriend, a single dad with money issues and little free time after a physically tiring job. How can I feel better?

A: The billion hungry people on the planet would love to have your problems, as would infertile couples, and the unemployed. Write down one thing you’re grateful for each morning as studies show gratitude improves mood. Email me for my ebook on mental health remedies. Avoid depressants like alcohol and toxins like tobacco. Exercise is the best natural remedy for feeling better, worth getting up a half hour earlier to structure into your day. Eckhart Tolle suggests, “Accept—then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept is as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. . .this will miraculously transform your whole life.”

 

Q: How do I develop clairvoyant abilities?

A: My Essential Energy Tools book and videos answer your question.

 

Q: My boss is irrational and controlling, not supportive in many ways. I like the people I work with but not my boss.

A: Add humor and playfulness, as by silently giving your boss points for the most irrational event of the day. Amusement provides perspective. Think of your life as a pie with slices. Reduce the amount of energy you give to work. Snap your fingers when you leave work to separate from it emotionally. Create fun and adventure in areas where you have more control.

 

Q: My partner is mean to me and every request is a demand. How do I change him?

A: Model the kind of behavior you’d like. Use “I feel…because… and suggest…as a possible solution, so he’s clear what bothers you and what he can do about it. If he won’t go to a therapist to learn better communication skills, you may need to leave him. Live is too short to be miserable.

 

Q: I get tense about meeting self-imposed deadlines at work. How can I be more relaxed?

A: When ever you start to get tense, or every hou, breathe in for the count of 8, hold for 8, exhale like holding up a feather as long as it takes to empty your lungs, and don’t breathe for as long as comfortable. The latter resets the energy field, according to author Gay Hendricks. Post relaxing pictures in your work space and imagine being in a beautiful place.

 

Q: I’m a recent college graduate, very pessimistic about a job search.

A: It’s true that 44% of recent grads are unemployed, and many will find work in jobs that don’t require a degree, but the job growth is in jobs that require a college education and college grads earn a lot more on average than high school grads. It only takes one good job and 66% are getting jobs. Change your self-talk from “I can’t” to it just takes one job, I’m in the 66%. Your irrational pessimistic self-personality is running the show. Read Voice Dialogue about how our sub-personalities operate and the importance of encouraging the rational self to run the show.

http://voicedialogueinternational.com/pdf/The_Basic_Elements_Of_Voice_Dialogue_Relationship_And_The_Psychology_Of_Selves.pdf

 

 

Q: A co-worker is into drama and upset. How do I not get stressed by her?

Q: cervical cancer

Q: self-discipline

 

Q: Hunk guy didn’t tell me has a girlfriend in another city.

Q: series of incidents where people are in my space, demanding

 

 

Q: negativity

Humor—two year old not getting her way, satellite dishes send back dirt to build wall, surround your aura with what they don’t like, put the person in the light of truth and goodness with the reminder that what goes around, comes around. Dear Gayle: I send you pictures of my friend Augusto Gómez Fuentes,
that it only requested to be mentioned in the credits.
I send them to separate because they weigh much.
Let me know if you like any, but we are looking for more!

 

Q: I take on other people’s stuff.

Q: I’m a recent college graduate, very pessimistic about a job search.

A: It’s true that 44% of recent grads are unemployed, and many will find work in jobs that don’t require a degree, but the job growth is in jobs that require a college education and college grads earn a lot more on average than high school grads. It only takes one good job and 66% are getting jobs. Change your self-talk from “I can’t” to it just takes one job, I’m in the 66%. Your irrational pessimistic self-personality is running the show. Read Voice Dialogue about how our sub-personalities operate and the importance of encouraging the rational self to run the show.

http://voicedialogueinternational.com/pdf/The_Basic_Elements_Of_Voice_Dialogue_Relationship_And_The_Psychology_Of_Selves.pdf

 

Q: My daughter-in-law and I don’t get along but I want to see my grandson.

 

Q: My live-in boyfriend isn’t ambitious

 

 
Gah, feeling right now just FUCK school, degree and all the rest of my adversities in my life… That pops up one after another, or still keep coming back. I keep asking myself “What’s really worth in life, to fight for, sacrifice, believe in and how MUCH can you really take..?!” Just feeling like I should run away to a “unknown” place, far away, drink drinks, sleep under the stars on the beach and just forget the reality. Sometimes it can be the small things in life that makes the whole cup to overflows.. Some days, life just sucks so bad.. But as always, I’ll be okay and most of the times, I find a way trough it. Even if it right now feels like hell. “Let me forget the real life, at least for a while” …

 

 

Q: My grandson’s single mother allows him to stay up late doing video games, then sleep during the day, and he’s not doing well in school.

 

Q: guy is coming on to me, not interested.

 

Q: Travel tips

A: Tickets are cheaper on Tuesdays. Take a bandana to tie around your eyes and earplugs so you can lean against your window seat and sleep. Take snacks and an empty water bottle to fill after you get past security.

 

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